80's TV Pilot (excerpt)
'Monica' Collects Sperm
80's TV Pilot (excerpt)
by Terry Southern
Terry continued to write about the gross militarization of the US, and the potential for nuclear disaster. The theme of amorphous nuclear annihlation coupled with a protagonist's obsession on specific 'bodily fluids' (i.e. ejaculation!) returns, in this excerpt from a TV pilot script from Terry's archives. Terry would have written plenty of dialogues satirizing the Monica-gate scandal and Clinton's simultaneous 'foreign adventures'...In the following pilot excerpt, tan ultra-fab fem agent working for the Republican Right seduces the President with her single-minded focus--eliciting his sperm...Under such duress, during nuclear disarmament talks, the President's aide advises what I think we knew felt about Monica all along; 'at leaset she's taking some of the edge off Bill's nuclear trigger-finger.'
EXT. WHITE HOUSE ROSE GARDEN
TELEPHOTO SHOT OF THE PRESIDENT & NICK MARKERELLI
strolling slowly back towards the house.
The combined wire service polls show seventy-seven percent in favor of a "getting-to-know-you" meeting with the Soviets. How's thaor a public mandate, sir?
Nick, what are your thoughts about cheating?
As I understand it Mr. President, some kind of mutual verification, is not the problem with the--
No, no, no, I mean infidelity.
I'm not sure I follow you, sir.
You know...when a happily married man is attracted to another woman. That kind of cheating.
(clears his throat)
Well, let me put it this way, sir. If this individual were in a position of great responsibility--where any unecessary stress or tension could have a potentially detrimental effect on issues of vital national importance...Well, I...
Well, speaking pragmatically of course, and I think you would afreem sir, the important thing in this case, would be to alleviate this stress, tension, and anxiety that is generally associated with sexual frustration--before it leads to errors in judgement on matters of much greater consequence.
CLOSER ANGLE ON THE TWO MEN
The forlorn President just sights, and stops walking to examine the petals of a rose.
May I speak frankly, Mr. President?
Yes of course. That's your job.
God knows Warren, we're both deeply religious men, loyal to our spouses,--and while on the surgace this advice may seem to run contrary to your usual high moral standards--I ask you to stop for a moment and consider the big picture. If this individual should happen to be a "key player" in our extremely delicate dialogye with the Societs, I strongly advocate that he solve his little "problem" as quickly as possible. For the good of the country, you understand.
You really feel it's that serious?
Yes I do! And while I appreciate your ambivalence about interfering in the private lives of your staff, I must go on record by advising you against, going to play ball in the U.S.S.R. with a key member of your team suffering the pains, and anxiety of an unrequited hard-on! And I think the vast majority of the American public would tend to agree!
Yes...I suppose you're right.
of the two men as they continue slowly on their way. We hold a few seocnds as they walk in silence--then
SMASH CUT TO:
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